Roseanne BARR

The insolence of the fat from the manners of the market traders can only marvel at. At the mere mention of her venerable producers and showmen grab the heart drops. Tabloids pray for Roseanne Barr and permanently awarded to her high-sounding title "The most scandalous stars of the Year. America was split into two unequal parts. Someone from the soul hates "this upstart and idiot", but most considered it a woman of the new millennium.
The solemn chords of the national anthem floated over the stadium. Verse roar of the crowd of many thousands. Sitting in front of television screens postponed bags of popcorn and banks "Badvayzera". America standstill. Those who posentimentalnee already approached the tears to the eyes, face involuntarily dissolving in a wide smile. Cover a sense of a great nation, for whom, and created a great song "Stars and Stripes" - a sense of pride, joy and communion.
A moment later something terrible had happened. Drowning out the music, amplified large kVA speakers reflected the walls of the stadium and caught in the waves of ether, the boundless expanse of the country rang disgusting and nasal tipsy howl.
. "Roseanne Barr desecrated the national anthem" (such headlines in the morning adorned editorials all American newspapers
. On the same day Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait and President Bush, instead of deciding the beginning of Operation Desert Storm, had to speak to fellow long televised address about the "incident with Rose". The second was more important.
The history of American television has never seen such a scandalous person, as Rosanna. Among the sleek blond beauties she reminds Cinderella, in which the fairy godmother instead went to a witch. She was getting away with their antics, which any other, much more attractive and talented actress would cost a career.

It all began many years ago, when 16-year-old Roseanne Barr hit by a car. On that day, Foss returned home, dreaming about how one day she graduated from high school, marry and become a hairdresser. Or at worst, a teacher ... A moment later the girl was blinded bright flash, then a thump, a short flight in the darkness, and after that she heard a strange loud crunching sound.

. With a fractured skull Foss landed on the hood of the car and, after lying for several days in a coma, moved intellect
. Former Round A student could now solve even the most primitive puzzles. She no longer wanted to be or hairdresser or teacher. Now Rosanna dreamed of becoming a writer. Psychiatrists with the understanding nodded weakly and tried to convince Mr. and Mrs. Barr that over time it will pass.

However, Rosanna began to happen strange things: either that evening, she left the house half-dressed. After each journey in her diary appeared a story about some crazy erotic adventure, supposedly gone through this night Foss. Most importantly, nothing like the girl did not happen. She just wandered around the deserted streets of Salt Lake City, scaring her a strange look lonely night passers-by, but the morning brought a patrol car Rosanna home. All these stories of frivolous stories were invented from beginning to end, but my mother Rosanna, who regularly review the diaries of their daughters, did not rack their brains about where truth and fiction. Mrs. Barr was firmly convinced that her buxom daughter became a prostitute and the District has not a single bar, where she would not have given up at least once mustachioed truckers for a bag of nuts.

. He was immediately assembled a family council, and parents Foss, did not differ patience, decided that it was better not to risk
. "God forbid you have a house on fire" - a thoughtful dad Barr concluded, and the next day, Foss was sent to the madhouse. A year later she returned from hospital with a wandering smile on his face and pumped tranquilizers. And three months later revealed that she is pregnant. Petite, born six months later, Mr. and Mrs. Barr were quick to give in adoption, and very Rosanna simply pushed out of the house vzashey. Foss had no choice as to gather their belongings and go hitchhiking aimlessly. Then she, of course, did not know what lies ahead of her and whether she is destined to ever again see his baby. Some voices in her head firmly, that in the end all forms, but at that moment the girl little hard to believe that in the unfortunate life of Roseanne Barr could happen something good.

. She was wrong - it is this evening Providence suddenly decided to draw on Foss your gentle gaze
. However, looking at the unprepossessing figure of Billy Pentlenda, a former dustman, and now the night clerk in a shabby provincial motels, it was hard to believe that this gift of fate. However Foss judged differently. And when their chance meeting turned into a novel, Rosanna felt in seventh heaven - because it was religiously convinced her such a fat and ugly, no one will ever love. No matter that they had to huddle in a tiny utility room under the roof of hotel. Never mind that more than anything to her righteous interested in two things: beer and transfer of about aliens. Foss tried her best to be perfect American wife and a homemaker. She cooked meals from semi-finished and jelly for dessert. Meanwhile, Bill was not at home watching daytime soap operas and listening to talk shows on radio.

All went well until Foss not pregnant, and Bill did not start to change pretty plump wife. Enraged such rudeness, she decided to take revenge. Rosanna left the house, spent the night in a motel the next morning and told her husband the wrong plan for their actions: "Do not be afraid to leave you I do not intend. That face, lose weight, then we'll get even. "


And indeed, after the birth she had lost 60 kilograms, purchased for 1200 seedy "Pontiac" and found a job in a restaurant. But this was only the first part of the plan "a terrible revenge" Roseanne Barr. In the evenings, closer to closure, Foss chose the "victim" - somehow it always turned out that, from someone stronger than others reeked of onions - and almost dragged by the scruff of his "Pontiac". Drunken farmers downright bursting with a sense of an irresistible, and when the next "act of revenge" ended, they did not spare an extra couple of dollars for hard bartender. "Have I become prostitutkoyN!" - Wondered Rosanna, taking money. Sex did not cause her any feelings other than loathing. Nevertheless, she continued to hunt for "clients", not really knowing who it was she who takes revenge - Bill or herself. In these moments Foss covered feeling that she again turns to the unknown labyrinth of deserted nighttime streets of Salt Lake City.

However, not all came to the bar, then to have fun with the parking Foss. Many people simply liked its sharp, often very coarse jokes. One day, one visitor called it "crumbs". "Pour me one that's that, baby" - he asked. "What I tell you baby, old ass! - Arms akimbo, blurted Rosanna. - Here in the pants you - there really baby ... "" Old ass "looked at her with surprise and ... laugh. Following him, neighing and the rest. Since that time and went. Soon the District has no one said "Let's go sit in the" Bennigans "- said" Let's listen Posse ". One of my acquaintances once advised her to speak at a local club called "Comic Shop", and Roseanne Barr's career began.

"Hello!" Well, Th, is impotent in zaleN "Men, sipping a beer at the tables, uncertainly giggle. "Well, you do not even raised his hands, not to mention everything else! .." Smoke-filled room is shaking a friendly burst of laughter. These were her first show, and farmers in Utah came from Foss in ecstasy. Gradually, Rosanna began to grow confident that someday it will become a famous variety show comedian. It's almost the same as the writer. And most importantly, what power in the audience! What were its cruder jokes, the louder laughed in the hall.

In preparation for their performances, Foss never pondered long. All she wanted to say "they" have long been ripe in her head, sore and kept asking out. Most of her monologues focused on "battle of the sexes".

"I am, boys, all the spirits tried, so its like a peasant. It smelled like a rose, then a peach, then a pear ... No fig. Full zero. And then buy a new women's deodorant. One intelligent woman and gynecologist invented it. My Billy's on me now just do not pull, and go about the city - men as much on the opposite side of the street pulling nose. Want to know what kind of flavor takoyN And everything is very simple - the smell of a hair's breadth as a brand-new currency notes!
Billy had no idea that turned into a guinea pig in the creative laboratory of his wife. She watched, listened, analyzed, and then sat down and gave out another monologue. Rosanna wishers advised to lose weight by 10 kilograms, not wear such tight pants and do not use foul language on stage. Foss nod - and at the next concert at odds than ever. "Do you know why then, after the shooting in Dallas, Jackie Kennedy so quickly jumped out of mashinyN Come on you, which means" scared! "Just Jackie - a normal woman and can not stand clutter. She saw that her husband's brains are scattered throughout the neighborhood - and decided to tidy up ... "

Advisors Foss never listened. She attacked a gold mine. Another single woman before she dared not speak with men on equal terms and scoff at them, not hiding behind a pretty face and chiseled figure. "Do you know why men go to prostitutkamN Yes, they just do not know how to do. And why should they be for it platitN .. "


"They" applaud, bellies straining at her jokes. And she still avenged "their". During his sad and dreary life with Bill, for this inexplicable sex with the aroma of onions in the parking lot and then forgotten for the time being, a sense of shame and fear that consciousness Foss carefully hidden in the farthest corners of her childhood memory.

. Rosanna hardly remember my life before that accident
. Memories come to life after an unexpected call her sister Stephanie. It was the late child in the family, under Rosanna for 11 years, and while in high school. Sobbing, nurse admitted that she adheres to her father. Shocked Rosanna blurted: "But he always did - and was dumbfounded, now his own words. By that time, Foss has worked on television, her new comedy series "Roseanne" is rapidly gaining popularity, and she could afford to turn to the best doctors to the country. Conversations psychoanalysis and hypnosis helped Rosanna resurrect the past.

The grim picture of childhood, like a swamp bubbles, one after another surfaced from the depths of the subconscious and burst on the surface of her memory, spreading disgusting stench. Dad, always lying on the sofa, ran his fingers in his pants ... Mamma volokuschaya little tearful Foss in the terrible dark cellar - to serve the sentence for some misdemeanor ... Contorted with pain and fear the face of three brothers, softly whining in a corner (I told you, the puppy that you do not dare make a noise when the father looks telikN! Only pikni more - and not get !")...

. Some pictures were extremely clear - and made him even more macabre: the mother's body still lying in a pool of blood on the concrete floor basement
. Face whiter than chalk, glassy eyes. Foss and her sister so terrible that they are unable either to escape or cry ... And then become even worse, . because the dead mother's eyes suddenly begin to slowly rotate and some others, . sepulchral voice she began to call them: "Come to me, . my baby! Mom came for wa-a-s ... "Sister rending shrieks, . at Foss dizzy, . and my mother was again normal voice, . Only she says as if from far away: "Well, what you, . silly, . Today ispugalisN Halloween, . forgotten, . that liN! Oh you, . even the blood of ketchup can not tell ... "Foss supposedly sees again, . they are sisters, . giggle, . peeps through a crack in the bathroom after his father,
. And he heard them fussing and puffing behind the wall, do not miss a chance to demonstrate their daughters 'dignity'. Another Foss remembered his rough hands, rapid breathing in the twilight of their closet - a sharp mixture of beer and smoke onion. And deaf insinuating voice: "Do not even think babble mother! You still nobody will believe ..."
. When treatment is over, the doctor said Roseanne Barr that its completeness, the propensity for gluttony and outrageous - the result of subconscious desires of a teenage girl to hide her femininity
. The desire to deface his body, according to him, - nothing more, as protection against the danger posed by the father. Rosanna was satisfied. Returned images and memories of childhood frightened her at first only. Now, however, to understand itself, Foss could rein in what used to control not budge.

She got rid of ugly belly, put in order his chest, sat down on a diet and soon felt perfectly healthy woman. Let the full and with a scar at the top of the stomach, but normal. No sooner had the therapy to return her memory, as Foss immediately set up a meeting with a correspondent of the magazine "People", and a powerful tornado swept through America scandal - Roseanne Barr was not one of those who prefer to keep the litter in the house. Pastorale "the story of her childhood was related to the whole country - calmly and with an expression. Papa and Mama Barr filed on weekly to the court, named his daughter "crazy and insensitive, but the process lost. And Roseanne once killed three birds with one stone: get rid of public facilities, with the help of another scandal has raised its rating comedy series (on which, incidentally, was already crying from laughing the whole of America) and in addition to all postroynela. However, as always, not for long ...


At that time, Tom Arnold was a struggling comedian, who had the good fortune to warm up the audience before leaving, Mrs. Burr in "Comedy Club" in Minneapolis. Not having time to properly meet you, Tom immediately offered Rosanna nyuhnut cocaine. The evening turned out well. Foss was delighted with Tom, and they went on tour together. She introduced with his colleague Billy, Mr. Arnold was fascinated and his - soon Tom was something of a family friend.

Very soon, Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr became the most scandalous couple of Hollywood. The newspapers called them only as "Siamese twins sadistic" or "infernal couple". Indeed, Tom and Foss, most of the time "boxed", held in suspense all the tabloids. They have become favorites of "National Inquirer". They gave scandalous interview thrashed rubbish themselves composed himself "fried history" by themselves and sold them to journalists.

Somehow, trying to get into the restaurant, Tom Foss, and faced with a crowd of reporters. Passers-by, seeing the flash of cameras, and decided that somewhere nearby, Michael Jackson, and the crowd of onlookers began to rise alarmingly. Then Roseanne and Tom, seeing crowding near rockers in chains and leather, offered them for $ 50 to disperse the journalists. Rockers do a great deal, as a result of Rosanna in the court reporters had to pay compensation of $ 200 thousand - for the beating and humiliation.

Meanwhile, Roseanne and Tom were thinking seriously about marriage. By the time Billy had already been forgotten, Roseanne was once more free and ready for the next life adventure. As a sign of mutual fidelity and Arnold Foss decided to make a tattoo. Needless to say, that for the sake of love Foss has agreed to donate most dorogimN Soon her buttocks adorned ornate inscription: "Property of Tom Arnold". Tattoo Tom was exactly the same - with the only difference being that his loin, as was evident from the inscription, now fully owned by Roseanne Barr.

.
. Marriage is an extremely favorable impression on the newlyweds: Tom like cured of drug addiction, Roseanne finally sorted out with their nightmares and quarreled with his parents ..
. Film crew of the series was once again fully updated, the show reached its peak of popularity. Nothing foreshadowed trouble.

Then Foss, by that time favorite throughout America, invited to sing the anthem at the opening of the national championship in baseball. From such an honor to give Rosanna could. Not taken into account it is only one thing: "Stars and Stripes" - the song is very difficult to fulfill, and even Pavarotti sings her mime. After the first chords Rosanna realized that not retract a single note, and, as usual, thinking that she had nothing to lose, just howled bad voice, bringing these drunken fans into a rage. And when the last chords silent hymn, Foss spat spat and, like zapravsky baseball, scratched in the groin.

"It was disgusting - President Bush said in his address to the nation. - Such national anthem - just insult to all patriots of our country ". Patriots responded immediately and began calling television stations to boycott the series "Roseanne". But Foss and was not going to apologize. "This, incidentally, and my national anthem too, - she told - as I want, so it and sing". Noise has risen around this story, not yet died down for about a year. But out of this trouble Rosanna got out unscathed. She pretended that she do not care, but those who pestered with questions or reproaches, Foss routinely sent to hell. Not only that - TV series "Roseanne" was to collect nearly 40 million viewers, and the state Foss and Tom Arnold in 1991 totaled $ 60 million


In Hollywood, they were astonished. It does everything the other hand, publicly spoke about their plastic surgery, openly pushing her husband and relatives to "thieves" role suits his own show on television. She even sought out her first child - a girl, once left to the adoption, and then rubbed it on one of the main roles in "Roseanne". "This is something amazing! - Delightedly shared with reporters Brandi Barr. - Just imagine: a woman, you see every day on TV and think his idol, suddenly turns out to be your own mother! "Foss dismissed without hesitation, the most eminent lawyers, agents and screenwriters. Has the audacity to play a major role in the movie with Meryl Streep but still asks for his film debut $ 1 million! Something can stop this zhenschinuN glitterati business decided to punish her. And, rewarding the actor performing the role of Roseanne's husband, another "Emmy" (similar to the Oscars on television), duly forgot about the existence of the "culprits triumph". When at last it still made the list of nominees, Rosanna habit at every corner threatened to "show where all these goats,". Course, no prize she has not got.

Soon, the ideal would seem to marriage "infernal couple" Tom Arnold, Roseanne Barr came to an end. Tom began spending too much time in the company of his assistant, Kim Silva. Initially Foss expressed open-mindedness, saying the fact that they can live three - so interesting. "Roseanne and Tom decided to create a Swedish family!" - Joyfully proclaimed headlines. But soon Foss bored, then began to be jealous ... And then, as in the good old days, has decided not to get excited and think about all the good. So one evening in her mind there was a new cunning plan of revenge. The next morning, Kim Foss fired, changed locks on the doors of the office, arranged the terms of his bodyguards and filed for divorce. And she went to the southern seas - and not one, but in the company of his bodyguard, Ben Thomas. Recovering himself instantly Arnold broke with young razluchnitsey, flew to Hawaii, he swore Foss in love, wringing his hands, begged, scandals, and even arranged a rampage, trying to beat the six-foot opponent. But Rosanna was adamant: "I already promised the role of Ben in the series and a new motorcycle.


By the time of the wedding with Ben bride was two months pregnant. (Foss, long ago made a sterilization, three years ago went to a private clinic, where her fertility was restored. However, numerous attempts to get pregnant Foss from Tom Arnold somehow ended in failure.) "Let all of America is happy that I was going to my mother again," - proudly announced Roseanne Barr. Media is gossip that Roseanne married Ben specifically, and again killed two birds with one stone - firstly, I studied the wrong man, and secondly, had the opportunity to have a baby from a healthy, strong guy. "This marriage will not survive long," - laughed knowing people. So it happened. Three years have passed, and Ben Thomas, will be handsomely rewarded smart, raced off on his motorcycle to find a new owner.
And Rosanna engaged in preparing a new talk show. It is the first time in many years to change the image, made a decent haircut and through regular operations dropped ten pounds. She enlisted the support of powerful Oprah Winfrey. She finally decided to return to Tom Arnold. Or, more precisely, a return of Tom. Believing in this, that the wrong ex-husband is being punished enough, he repents and is already possible to forgive.
Naturally, it turned out well for Foss, how to get everything in her life. Because Roseanne Barr from childhood she was sure that the "war of the sexes" is that men pretend they can do without women, and women pretend to be totally dependent on men. But Foss does not pretend to know how. The men in her life have to do what she tells them. And it will not get another bike. Or the role. Or money. Or her luxurious body.
"I can not wait for the day when the world is to restore harmony and men occupy the only place that they should take ... that is, under our heels, "- never tired of repeating Roseanne.
A foolish, men still nothing guess. After all, they rarely watch daytime talk shows ...